Take it from me, Martin has a vast handle on relationship dynamics. This is a guest post from Martin on what relationships look like at various levels of the spiral – ie, how we seem to be developing individually and culturally over time. If you are interested in seeing Martin in action, he comes to Boulder the last weekend in April and his worldwide schedule is here.
What kind of relationship are you in? Is it what is most serving you?
As we evolve as humans, so do our love relationships.
In the most fundamental form, love relationships are driven by basic survival instincts: food, shelter and sex. Our primary sexual selection process is still driven from this level and experienced when we drop any rational consideration in order to be sexual with another human being.
At the next level, a deep sense of magical belonging to a partner emerges. This is often described in fairy tales, over-romanticized movies, and books about soul-mates or twin-flames who we shared previous lives with. We experience this form of love when we sense that we can’t live without a specific person who makes us feel complete.
Following this magical stage, we desire a partner who satisfies our ego by giving us all that we ever wanted and deserve right now; someone who selflessly satisfies our every need and desire. If he or she fails to do so, we demand to be loved, supported and respected, and are quick to end the relationship if we don’t get what we want and seek a better partner.
As we evolve further, we realize that sexual, magical and romantic feelings do not equate love, but that love is an action that is governed by mythic rules such as irrevocable commitment, humility, selflessness, sacrifice, devotion and marriage until death do us apart. Separating from a spouse is unacceptable and leads to punishment by society and condemnation by a higher power.
In the next stage of love, we realize that exceptional couples support each other in realizing their highest potential for self-actualization, professional and personal success, freedom, sexual fulfillment, emotional and physical health, wealth, and happiness. Once one partner can no longer support the other in reaching these goals, and after some couples therapy, it is advised and legitimate to seek a new partner who has the necessary personal qualities and social resources to propel us higher.
Once we exhaust our potentials for worldly success and deriving happiness through a partner in a succession of love relationships, the potential for non-localized “spiritual” or “unconditional love” emerges. We find an inner source of higher love that is also radiated outward towards all sentient beings. As Rumi said, “our task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within ourselves that we have built against it.” Many forms of love relationships emerge from this level, and we can love and be sexual with many people who love all others in return (with the performative contradiction that we ostracize all people who we perceive as un-loving).
We escape the “everything goes” variations of love in the former stages when we integrate the healthy aspects and partial truths of all the previous forms of relationships, and transcend their limited views. This allows us to co-create a committed partnership in which we meet our own and the physical, sexual, emotional, intellectual, social, psychological and spiritual needs of our partner by making an agreement to choose to love, and to heal, learn and grow together in a committed relationship.
The latest emergences in love relationships are between couples who fully embody the previous “integral” level and also realize that they share an authentic evolutionary purpose. They are not only committed to supporting each other’s ongoing deeper healing and higher realization, but are also uniquely poised to serve the further evolution of humanity into an ever more peaceful and sustainable future. These couples provide the greatest good for the largest number of people through their unique gifts by advancing into novelty together.
The evolution of love relationships is described in detail in the book “Integral Relationships: A Manual for Men” and can be experienced and practiced in workshops that are facilitated by the author Martin Ucik and his partner Fabienne Meuleman, e.g. at the Integral Center in Boulder from April 26th – 28th 2013.